Porn’s Lasting Corruption Over Your Mind

Hey guys and girls! Parker here!

So here we are in the third article of this series I have created. To summarize, we have walked through what laying it all down for Christ means regarding your porn battle, and the most recent article introduced how freedom from porn isn’t in a relationship. Both articles have something in common. You, or others you know, are currently going through them. Today’s article will be different. Through Christ’s redemptive power, I have been set free from this horrible disease and past. However, this does not mean my mind has been set free from the images and videos consumed.

This post was written by me and about me. It isn’t giving you insight into how God helps us overcome our struggles, but instead exploring what these images do to your mind after the battle is over.

This article is my story on how pornography overtook my mind and wrapped itself around me and how today, memories remain in my life. I write this final article not to humiliate or shame myself. Rather, my hopes and prayers are that you will recognize the difficult path you are paving for yourself if you are indulging in the darkness of pornography. So sit back, probably not relax, and let me tell you about the mental damage caused by pornography, and the mess that Christ has made my message.

“This article is my story. It’s my mess that Christ made into my message.”

            A youth pastor once told me a comment that will forever stick with me. Ron (the youth pastor) presented the subject of music’s grasp on today’s culture and how incredibly addicting music can become. 

“After all,” he said. “Satan was second in all of heaven, and worship was one of the biggest things the angels incorporated into their lives.”

Ron began to open my eyes to the reality that one of the most common ways Satan pulls people astray is through music. In ways like; its beats, vocals, and variations. Sadly enough, that is how I first fell into the world of pornography.

A music video can be a beautiful thing. I still remember showing my mother Ed Sheeran’s “Perfect” music video and her crying. It has the opportunity to affect our emotions. However, it affects all the wrong emotions when a 14-year-old boy finds a Miley Cyrus “Wrecking Ball” video. That video… was just too much. And it was this video that got me intrigued by all that I saw on the screen.

Let’s fast forward a few months.

My Godly filter was slowly torn apart by more and more risqué images that I either innocently stumbled upon or would search out.

For those wondering, this involved Sports Illustrated, music videos, and google image searches. What appeared to be a situation under my control was giving the enemy more and more control over my life.

My first visit to a pornographic website didn’t even involve porn! I was so scared I was being tracked through my camera or being given a deadly virus I exited the site. And anyone reading this who has struggled with porn will acknowledge that it is not fun nor easy to hide.

I still remember being in a youth group surrounded by many girls and two other boys not including myself. In a circle, we bowed our heads to pray, and my mom began to choke up and say, “Lord, pornography is heavy on my heart tonight for one of these young boys in this circle.” Trust me, it didn’t help the fact that I had picked to stand next to her that night and hold her hand.

But that didn’t get me to stop.

My addiction grew and became more sinful each week for roughly three years.

I was overwhelmed with unhappiness.

My life held no purpose.

I mean this not to say I was depressed, but to say when my life consisted of; sleeping in till eleven, going to work at twelve, getting back at 6, playing the PlayStation, then ending the night with porn, it became meaningless. And that is what my life looked like for the majority of my high school years.

And when dealing with pornography, you don’t just fall short in one area.

I began to lie… a lot. My family time lacked because of the number of excuses I always gave to be home by myself. Not only this but lying about what I did with my time became a common point of concern.

A second thing to change was my mood. Staying up late, not feeding myself spiritually, and hiding this sin left me very on edge. I was constantly arguing with my parents, swearing behind other’s backs, and having random outbursts at the smallest of things.

Pornography affects more than just your eyes; it infects your entire body.

Now I would love to say I went to church, felt God call me, and then became a wonderful guy like some of you may know now. (Not bragging, I just think I am a nice guy.) However, this *basic pornography* I was addicted to is not where it all ended. So yes, this next set of times I’m about to explain also took place in the last year or so of my struggle.

“pornography affects more than just your eyes; it infects your entire body.”

Talking online with girls is one of my biggest downfalls.

Now the number of girls I chatted with might be lower than the number of girls viewed, but that does not mean for a second that it doesn’t hurt more. There is a difference between indulging in something sexual with someone who does it for a living and taking a confused girl that knows no better and talking with her in a certain way.

That was me.

I was the guy that texted with multiple girls.

Some of these were over messages, some in apps, and others on facetime. I was in very, very deep. I’ll say to the boys reading that these girls you will momentarily forget. You may even move on from your past and attempt to make yourself forget you ever even texted them. But these conversations and these girls specifically will flash into your thoughts at different points during your life with no warning. The reality of innocence that was stolen will haunt you during the most unsuspecting of times, and that, that is the most shameful thing you can experience.

Let me change how I explained that: If you are walking with the blood of Jesus covering your sins, it will be the most shameful experience you will have. You start to realize that for every word, picture, comment, and action you did, you deserve death.

It’s simple.

For those past conversations and viewing habits, I do not deserve to be here. You get to look at your existing relationship and understand that you don’t need all the hugs, flirts, kisses, and, potentially later in life, sex. The fact that you are in your current situation is the biggest blessing you have received.

I remember how I would cry at night when I thought about not ever being able to be with someone. Not because I couldn’t, but because God would not allow me to. I was accepting that I had done all that I did and would never find myself in the position to deserve a woman of God. Because of my past, I deemed myself incapable of ever being in a relationship. Yet as always, God proved my narrow-minded conclusion to be wrong.

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This article is not just about my story. It’s about the lasting effects that these images and videos have had on my mind, and early in my freshman year of college, “porn-free,” I was given the incredible opportunity to date and be in a relationship with the beautiful owner of this blog. Early on in our relationship, I felt compelled to share my past with Halie as it was a burden that touched my heart.

I will take a quick moment to reach out to any guy currently struggling with porn or who has struggled in the past. Please tell the girl that you dealt with porn early. This girl that you “love” will only experience more hurt the longer you wait to tell her about your past.

Now, you would think that being free from porn, pursuing God with Halie, and staying committed in all that I do when I’m apart would come with a healthy mind, right? Wrong. That just isn’t true.

The words that I’ve learned and references I’ve heard from being addicted to porn come to my mind during the simplest of conversations I have with her.

And hey, listen to this. I’m gonna say something to the guys that will make you sick every time it happens in your relationship.

Put yourself into a scenario where the girl you love (who is innocent in nearly everything she does) is asking you to lay on the couch with her, and the only thing flashing through your head is the hundreds of girls you’ve seen in that same position.

Trust me.

Satan eats that alive.

And he rips me apart with my past every chance he can get.

“when all you can see are the hundreds of girls you’ve seen in that same position…”

Now, if that isn’t enough, you can imagine what it is like for me trying to hold a casual conversation with a Christian girl. To preface, God’s grace works through me and is visible wherever I go, or at least that’s how I strive to be. I receive compliments, appreciation, and support for my relationship with Halie regularly. And I am a nice guy. God has conquered the sin that lived in me, and now I can show His spirit to others. However, I want you to imagine the physical toll that it takes for me every hour and every minute I am with girls to maintain a Godly view of them.

I write this not to make fun of myself but to warn you of the times ahead. I am getting you ready for all the many walks past groups of girls and glances down that will leave you looking socially awkward as you fight every urge not to let your mind wander.

Fist bumps become your comfort as a hug and close contact would flood your mind with thoughts and ideas. When you move close behind a girl, your hands will go behind your body to avoid anything that might cause you to slip. And movie nights, everyone loves movie nights. The times where you can head out with your boyfriend or girlfriend and spend that quality time with them while watching a show. Halie and I had this tradition when theatres were closed to covid where we would lower the back seats of the car and almost make a fortress-like feeling in the back while the movie screen was up in the front. Still to this day, I have not watched the process of Halie getting into the backseat or climbing up into the front of the car.

It is a trusting position where she innocently places herself, and it’s a place that I know my past would love to take advantage of that moment. To many of the readers, this might seem like a strict lifestyle I live. And I would agree. But, I would ask if you wanted to be in a situation with a guy or girl where these “boundaries” get broken, and these glances get taken. I do this not only for my protection but the protection of the beautiful girl I am privileged to date.

The relationship I have is one I know I do not deserve. But I believe that it is through this realization that I become grateful and am so quick to take any precaution I can. The most humbling thing, I think, are the countless nights you cry because of how undeserving you are to have such incredible grace. When the woman you’re with can look at you, broken, and see what the Lord has done in your life despite your flaws. That is something that will always make me tear up and appreciate the gift that I have.

“So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ can work through me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9.

Paul shared this verse, and it is one that I have come to love. Not only does it give me confidence in what the Lord has done in my life, but it also lets me share with others how their current weakness could one day be their greatest strength.

I have gained new insights into my past while dating Halie as, before her, only a few people had ever heard a fraction of what I had been through and what had occurred. I would love to share something the Lord revealed to me about other young men who are currently fighting battles similar to my past though and that is:

Exposing and putting your past (or present) to light only weakens Satan and his grip on you.

The very secret that I revealed to only two individuals over a three-year addiction is now the message that I do not hesitate to talk about with hundreds. Because of the freedom I have been given I can share my story with you in this article. Because of my mess, I can tell my message.

That does not, however, mean that it was written with a free spirit.

The memories that you are creating in your life right now you will remember for years to come. And as I typed this, the memories I had made in my past all came back to weigh me down and cause disruption in my heart. By sharing my past struggles, I hope to encourage others to become more aware of what they are doing to their minds.

What I will leave you with is this. We all have heard the verse, “Be sure your sin will find you out.” Hebrews 32:33. If some of you are like how I was, you feel pretty confident in yourself. You are comforted knowing that you can conceal it and not let others be aware of your struggle.

But there will come a time where the very thing you are so arrogant about hiding is the thing you are screaming to God to send help for. I reached that point in my life, and I pray that any of you who struggle as I did would come to this point as well.

“The very thing you were so arrogant about hiding is the thing you will scream to God to send help for.”

As you open up about your struggles you will find the support for you surrounds you and overwhelms you. This will be the third article that I have written and for the past two, the only words I have received were ones of encouragement and love. Do not let the devil make you feel that you are alone. God is waiting to pour out His love and care to you through the believers around you.

I believe in you, Parker