Dating in college is weird. And that’s putting it nicely. I mean, when I arrived at college, the thing everyone was talking about was dating & marriage. The upperclassmen called it the Freshman Frenzy, and the funny thing was, they were pretty accurate. As thousands of people who had never met all moved into one central campus and into the dorm buildings, all radars were on high alert as everyone was searching for their soul mate.
Personally, I had told myself that I didn’t want to date my freshman year in order to settle down and take time for myself, but innately and subconsciously, I found myself paying more attention to the sports players who sat next to me in my gen ed classes than I did to my actual professor. Now, let me clarify, I am not saying it is necessarily a bad thing or an abnormal thing to find yourself being attracted to people the first few weeks of college because hey, God created us to see the beauty within one another, but, what I am saying is that the line between pure attraction and lustful distraction is very fine and dangerous to play with.
But what does our culture say about dating in college? Well, just look at Hollywood’s portrayal. The college parties are glamourous, passionate, and extremely sexual; relationships are held with little to no physical boundaries, and it seems to be normal for toxicity to be present in everything. We shove down the throats of young teens this misconstruction that it’s cool to be mistreated, over-sexualized, and wasted. Modesty in college is a whole other topic, but that is also so key! I mean seriously, are we really just going to expect the opposite sex to not be tempted when we are dancing around Friday nights in outfits that could practically be our bra paired with a tight skirt?
But Halie Kay, this is the cool thing. It’s just the college experience! I’m too young to settle down; it’s my time to have fun!
Haha, okay. I understand, but from the bottom of my heart, you are worth so much more than the sexualization of your body and the toxicity that you allow yourself to remain in when you suffer and remain content in condescending relationships.
“you are worth so much more than the sexualization of your body“
So, here are a few tips to escape culture’s toxic atmosphere of college dating. Because you are never too young to understand your worth.
1. Slow Down
You are 18; remember that. It’s not like you are a thirty-year-old woman who is afraid she won’t get married in time to have children. Now, even at thirty, it is crucial to understand that God is still working and your life is in His hands, but at the age of 18, I NEED you to slow down. Take time for yourself when you first arrive at college. Have fun, but not in a way that diminishes the image of God you were made in. College is such an amazing and incredible time in life, but I will be honest and tell you college will mean so much more to you when you focus on how God is trying to work in your life rather than focusing on how many guys you can make out with.
“Have fun, but not in a way that diminishes the image of God you were made in.”
Just remember, there is no need to rush one of the most important decisions of your life. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.
2. Understand that anyone can call themselves a Christian, but it’s their hearts that matter.
Even though I attend a private University, that doesn’t mean that everyone there has a true and deep relationship with Christ. Therefore, don’t assume just because the boy has a verse in his Instagram bio that he has his name in the Lambs book of Life. I listened to a podcast from Breakaway ministries once about relationships and dating, and something I’ll never forget is it said that when you are chasing after Christ, you shouldn’t have to look behind you to find a spouse (or boyfriend). Rather, that man should be running at the same pace in the same race so that when you get serious and beyond the honeymoon stage, you are able to hit obstacles and high notes together without being defeated from lies.
One key way that I recommend if you are unsure if the person you are talking to is actually walking the talk, is by seeing who he spends his time with outside of you. Now, be wary of what I mean. Don’t think that it is wrong to hang with the lost because Jesus spent His ministry in the homes of the outcasts, but what I mean, is that just like Jesus had his support group of the disciples, who is it that the guy you’re talking to is supported by? Do they guard their tongues? Are they invested in community and commitment to Christ together? Because if not, it won’t be too long till you turn into his community and you are trapped because he gets comfortable enough to show you his true side, and that true side isn’t always the Godly persona we like to think they are.
3. Start with the end in mind
Ask the awkward questions when you start talking to him! Think about dating as more than a fun time because from experience, if you think that dating is all easy and roses, then you have been fed countless lies. Ask yourself, would you want this man to raise your children? Does he portray to you the fruits of the spirit and the ability to lead you in a Godly relationship? Does this man uplift you, encourage you, support you, grow you, protect you, respect you, and understand the gift you are? Don’t waste your time wasting your worth.
“Don’t waste your time wasting your worth.“
Make sure that the next guy (or current guy) that you talk to or date views you as Solomon does to his love when he proclaims in Song of Solomon 4:7,
"You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you." Find a man who cannot find a single external flaw about you because he understands the inner worth that you were created with. Because then, in 50 years when you are old and wrinkly, you will still be just as beautiful to your spouse as you were when you were 18.
4. Write a list of qualities you want in a husband.
This literally changed my ENTIRE MINDSET when it came to men my first semester of college. At first, I’m not gonna lie, I thought that it was so dumb when my freshman RA asked me to write down a list of qualities I want in my future husband, but after doing this, I can full-heartedly exclaim that this changed my life!
All it takes is a single notecard, but I promise, you’ll be so grateful for it. There are a few key tips that I have for doing this:
- Don’t ONLY list physical attributes you desire.
- For me, I wrote “tall dark, and handsome” because why not! BUT, make sure that you don’t just write out every detail of your celebrity crush. Think internally more than externally.
- Think beyond “kind” or “nice.”
- Go deep. Dive into what your heart both desires yet also uniquely needs.
- Examples: “humble in situations of recognition” “see others as greater than himself” “confident in His relationship with Christ, but still able to accept times when he may be wrong.”
- List professions you see fitting well with where you also want to go in life.
- For example: if you want to be a traveling nurse, don’t write down a local farmer.
- **this one is just for fun and is one that you shouldn’t be super strict with. It’s just to get you thinking!
- Write answers to questions that you will have for him one day
- Meaning, write down if you want him to say he wants children or not, or if you want to be able to travel with him.
By being specific and thinking deeply, this notecard will allow you to weed out so so so many men that you would once give a chance simply because now, you know and have written proof of what you desire in a spouse.
5. Check yourself: desires & intentions
When you get to college, whether you admit it or not, there is this hidden desire to impress. For me personally, I found myself wearing extra makeup than normal, wearing fancy outfits (compared to the sweatpants I never change out of now), and I literally put myself in activities simply for the recognition of new, hot guys.
So, with this tip, what I am challenging you to do is check yourself. What’s the why behind your desire to date? Is it pure? Or is it because of a lustful attraction to a guy? Be honest with yourself; you’ll thank yourself later.
6. Form your community first
Lastly, a huge part of cultivating a healthy relationship is by having a strong community around you BEFORE you begin a romantic relationship. College is the perfect time to meet some of your lifelong best friends so don’t take advantage of that by solely focusing on finding a single person. Once you form a community of people you trust who can guide you and pour into you spiritually, then they will be able to help you decipher the warning signs of a toxic relationship if it were to occur.
All in all, I pray that you allow Christ to work through you in this season of college and that you come to realize that you are precious, loved, worthy, and created in the image of God. Don’t compromise- you owe yourself more than that.
In love, Halie Kay
